When you are having one of those days go back to a recent place where you were totally in that moment of peace and acceptance. This picture was from a trip to Hilton Head SC back in October 2013. It was a vacation and getaway. My friend worked and I chilled.
My eyes are open. I am so unfulfilled at my current job. I dread coming each day, I am not making a difference in my labor....I come to earn my paycheck. I will begin praying for my calling to be revealed to me everyday because I dont know how long I can keep doing this. this is painful.
I used to secretly be mad at my mother for me not having a relationship or even knowing my father. But she totally did the right thing. She knew he wasn't equipped to be meaningful in my life. He would have caused more damage knowing him and seeing him not care without the excuse of not knowing me. I have seen the damage first hand of having a 'father' present but not really present in my kids lives. All I wanted was for my kids to know their father....and that is what they did.....know him. He isn't the kind of man to want to just hang out with them...pick them up take them to the movies when it wasn't his weekend. I have always been left to clean up his mess...of absence. I have gotten to the point now where I want to be absent. Just because you can make a baby don't make you worthy of being called a mother or father. Fuck you my babies daddy cause that is all you have been.
I have just come to the realization that I have parented like I had a partner with me....but he has always been against me, he is jealous and selfish. I am now resentful, tired, and disgusted and wanting to quit for a long time. Who reaps the repercussions of this hot mess....the children. I am depressed, feel oppressed, and want redress. I still want the bastard to do the right thing so I can sit my ass down and chill. What sacrifices have you done for them, how much debt or you in for them, what relationships do put on hold for their responsibility...... NONE!
We accept the love we think we deserve...that is why we stay in relationships that are great, good, bad, or awful.
Paraphrase from Perks of Being a Wallflower
Well we are in 2014....glad 2013 is gone. I stopped making resolutions years ago but I am am making one this year. To show love to myself and be mindful of everything I do if it demonstrates, enables, and is in line with me loving myself.
