With my best friend

Me!
Most times you must do it alone.  You were born alone and you will die alone.  So why not make friends with it. Yes loved ones were or may be there during birth and death but you do it alone really.
I have passive aggressive tendencies.  When I am done....most times I am burnt....so I am threw with you and you don't even know it till you cross me again. HAS IT WORKED FOR ME? 👎🐆

So....

I am.       not.      a man.
I can     do.    alot of what a man can do. But not all..........not alot of what a man does
A lot of what a man can do I can't and don't want to. I can't relate on alot of levels. But I gave birth to 2 men. I married their father...I pray they got or are getting what a man should get from their father. But I am afraid they are learning by their OWN mistakes or.... by.... my mistakes of not being a man....or their fathers... of not being MAN......I don't.... or will not speak...... or speculate to that cause I didn't have one and .......  Or not being enough of a woman because I was trying to be a man cause my mother didn't get it either.   That is another story but she was the the best woman\father I know. I gave birth.... gave my love (what I had)
nurturing and support. .....then gave more financial support cause I know how to work damn it..... like a mule...but then I felt guilty cause I felt I should be there more emotionally. You know Like a mother...woman......then I switched back to mommy dearest and
Then the lights were off....tires bad
...no car...go to food bank .... then had to go back to being no a man. DAMN..... I am bipolar?  A woman in a man's body....no a man in a woman's body.....no I love the man partz....but in me not having them ..... I am a  wo-man. (Pause cause I love them man parts and the woman Parts and being loved nurtured and having a real MANN Love me). But I am bossy aggressive hard like a man but with a vagina.  Imma bitch.....no don't call me a bitch cause I am a woman aggressive organized...feminine. ...pretty soft and hard. ..clean....sweet warm....  but I could be Mean Joe Greene .....No you are an angry BLACK WOMAN. .....no cause i am soft and woman--'''ly with my MANN....a real man not a boy.....but when i go there......Okay I am just trying to live be expressive get my point across and be happy. ...no you is CRAZY girl....now imma a girl going through menopause. ...........pause (that's another damn story...cause i felt grown at about 33)#!!!

Sunday morning movie

Nothing better than watching a matinee in the morning for 5 bucks.  Theatre is empty but huge cause its opening weekend. Brad Pitt one of my favorite actors......behind Denzel ofcourse but a favorite nevertheless. 
I caught Denzel last week in the week...that was great too. All by myself with me and I.....my best friend.
Fury!

Amen

Psalm 63:3-4 () 3 Because your steadfast love is better than life,my lips will praise you. 4 So I will bless you as long as I live;in your name I will lift up my hands. #Bible http://mydailybible.org/dv/esv/2014-03-06.htm

I am still here!

Today's fortune cookie, "Mend the first break, kill the first snake, and conquer EVERYTHING you undertake". I am still feeling hopeful and more directed today the 5th day of March 2014. Psalms 27 my battle cry each morning this month so far. GOD is GREAT! And He is in me so SO AM I.

Dear Diary

So i love Ru Paul...always have. I remember the awards show he appeared on back in the 90s. I think I want to dress up as a woman as a man doing drag.
I love his show....i am a little concerned about that.

The Sandlot

One of my favorite movies of my childrens childhood that became my favorite movie. I love it. I remember being outside playing till dark during the summer...never coming inside. I was a tomboy i played with the boys outside bike riding football stick ball. The movie brings back memories.   Good memories.

We were soldiers

One of the best....The best war movie I have ever saw.
Every newly enlisted soldier should have to watch it.

Again

Yeah...another day of cardio!
My goal is to do 30 days of cardio at least an hour everyday! I can love myself to do it!

I went to the gym....

So....for weeks months now in my head I have been planning to go to the gym. I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been including during pregnancy.  I saw myself working out for weeks now and never did it. Well today I felt like doing it and I talked myself into really doing it. I did 1 hour 10 minutes of cardiovascular exercise and I feel great. I am so proud of myself.  I can see myself working out for this whole week. I love myself and spending that time on myself was great. Go Aldria!

Just okay

I have lived over half my life and it has been okay. I can't say it has been fabulous or awful. There has been many rough trying times many happy unbelievable times. But for the most part it has been mediocre.  Just okay...not spectacular. ..just alright. 

When your day is rough

When you are having one of those days go back to a recent place where you were totally in that moment of peace and acceptance.  This picture was from a trip to Hilton Head SC back in October 2013. It was a vacation and getaway.  My friend worked and I chilled.

What is my calling?

My eyes are open. I am so unfulfilled at my current job.  I dread coming each day, I am not making a difference in my labor....I come to earn my paycheck.  I will begin praying for my calling to be revealed to me everyday because I dont know how long I can keep doing this.  this is painful.

Single mother

I used to secretly be mad at my mother for me not having a relationship or even knowing my father.  But she totally did the right thing. She knew he wasn't equipped to be meaningful in my life. He would have caused more damage knowing him and seeing him not care without the excuse of not knowing me. I have seen the damage first hand of having a 'father' present but not really present in my kids lives. All I wanted was for my kids to know their father....and that is what they did.....know him. He isn't the kind of man to want to just hang out with them...pick them up take them to the movies when it wasn't his weekend. I have always been left to clean up his mess...of absence.  I have gotten to the point now where I want to be absent. Just because you can make a baby don't make you worthy of being called a mother or father.  Fuck you my babies daddy cause that is all you have been.

I have just come to the realization that I have parented like I had a partner with me....but he has always been against me, he is jealous and selfish. I am now resentful, tired, and disgusted and wanting to quit for a long time. Who reaps the repercussions of this hot mess....the children. I am depressed, feel oppressed, and want redress.  I still want the bastard to do the right thing so I can sit my ass down and chill. What sacrifices have you done for them, how much debt or you in for them, what relationships do put on hold for their responsibility...... NONE! 

Love

We accept the love we think we deserve...that is why we stay in relationships that are great, good, bad, or awful.
Paraphrase from Perks of Being a Wallflower

New Year New Days New Opportunities

Well we are in 2014....glad 2013 is gone.  I stopped making resolutions years ago but I am am making one this year. To show love to myself and be mindful of everything I do if it demonstrates, enables, and is in line with me loving myself.